The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants
by allsortsofangst
Summary: Author: J.T. is the author of the continuation of this story. This AU fic was created by Kriston I want to thank Kriston for allowing me to continue the amazing fic that she started. The story is a continuation from approximately mid season 2.
1. Things Might Be Looking Up, Or Not

**Title**: Law of Attraction

**Author**: I want to thank Kriston for allowing me to continue the amazing fic that she started. The first few chapters are so well written and on-point with the characters. I hope I can do your story justice.

**Feedback**: I would really appreciate feedback about this fic. All feedback, good and bad, is welcome. Any suggestions on potential storylines and/or ways to improve the story are encouraged.

**Rating**: R- language mostly (at this point anyway)

**Disclaimer**: I don't own anything about Once and Again, including Jessie and Katie. Ed Zwick and Marshall Herskowitz own them. Thanks Ed and Marshall.

**Summary**: This story is a totally alternate universe. It is a Grace/Jessie pairing. The story picks up just after Grace talks to Jessie and reassures her that it's ok to see a therapist and that she wouldn't mind seeing one too. The timeline is about mid-season of Season 2.

A Soliloquy is always announced and in italics with / as the beginning and / as the closing.

Part One

Grace watched Jessie very closely over the next few weeks to make sure that she was eating.

Jessie really wasn't eating much lately despite her weekly visits to Dr. Rosenfeld. She wasn't

eating nearly enough to support her five foot five, gangly frame. Grace couldn't understand why

Jessie would want to starve herself when she was so beautiful and had so much to offer. At least

Grace thought she did. It was obvious that Jessie didn't think that way and the more everyone

pushed, the more Jessie reacted by not eating.

_Soliloquy: /Standing with her left profile to the camera and her arms crossed, "Don't they _

_get it?' Grace says. /_

The parents always pushed the food issue when Jessie was over for dinner with Rick. He could

be forceful at times using an authoritative tone or threatening to take away her CD player or

phone privileges if she didn't eat. Not that Jessie was on the phone all that often. Jessie was

embarrassed. The more of a big deal Rick would make of it the less she would eat. Jessie ate

more on the nights where her appetite wasn't the focus. Lily would go out of her way to make

the foods that Jessie liked. It was automatic that when Jessie came over for dinner there was a

special vegetarian dish for her. Grace imagined it was the same, if not worse, over at Karen's

house.

_Soliloquy: /Grace is standing next to the soliloquy stool pacing. "Of course she's not _

_going to eat if everyone is watching her like a hawk." Grace says with a slight smirk as if _

_it's the obvious solution. She pauses and turns towards the camera, "Then again that's _

_not really true either," Grace says dejectedly into the camera with her hands in her _

_pockets./_

Everyone was afraid Jessie would die if she didn't eat. That was the point really, like it or not,

and Grace knew it. Jessie had obviously been fragile all of her life and was treated as such. The

anorexia was a culmination of all the baggage Jessie accumulated in her fourteen short years.

Jessie was the sensitive one. Truthfully, sometimes it annoyed the hell out of Grace, but

sometimes that was what she loved most about her. It was hard to narrow it down to just one

thing that she loved the most about Jessie; it was a revolving list of number ones.

It wasn't just that Jessie was sensitive about subjects that concerned her, she was sensitive

about lots of things. Grace thought that Jessie was able to see and feel more than anyone else

she knew. After all, Jessie saw things in her. Jessie was aware of other people's pain because

she was so aware of her own. Jessie was in tune with the undercurrent of the situation.

Sometimes it was like Jessie knew what was going to happen and braced herself for the impact

way too far in advance.

No one knew what to do with Jessie's anorexia, especially her parents. But Grace didn't have

access to Jessie the way Rick, Eli or even Lily did. Even though she and Jessie were talking a bit

more often, it wasn't deep and it wasn't meaningful. Their relationship was civil at best. Jessie

trusted Grace to some extent but she still kept her distance. Grace couldn't blame her. It was

difficult for Grace not being able to express her true feelings for Jessie. Grace figured that at the

moment it was better for Jessie to be standoffish but still around, rather than scare her off

completely.

_Soliloquy: /Grace sits on the soliloquy stool facing the camera with a panicked look on _

_her face, "But if our parents get married, then she'll always be around. And she still _

_won't love me." Grace rolls her eyes./ _

Grace's overcompensation to appear indifferent came off as contempt and distaste for Jessie.

Grace couldn't seem to find a middle ground where she could be in the same room as Jessie and

not be found out, but not be blatantly biased. Most of the time Jessie couldn't figure out if Grace

was coming or going, she acted hot and cold towards her within the same minute. Grace's bitch

outs of Jessie had started to subside but her behavior towards Jessie was still pretty manic.

Jessie resolved herself to feeling forever uncomfortable around Grace. Jessie kept in the back of

her mind what Zoe had told her about Grace's dream but she didn't believe it. Zoe exaggerated

things and made up stories all of the time. Grace's dream was probably a story too Jessie

thought, then wondered why that made her sad.

Grace wanted to help Jessie, but not the way everyone else did, by smothering her and

scrutinizing her every move. Grace tried to be nonchalantly supportive; talk about tae kwon do,

soccer, Jessie's favorite t.v. show, Jessie's favorite band, Jessie's favorite movie star, all things

that wouldn't upset Jessie. All things about Jessie. That was Grace's way of helping her fragile

love. Grace needed her. After all it was Jessie's angelic face and soothing voice that got her

through the day.

It frustrated Grace endlessly that Jessie's family looked at Jessie every day but never saw her.

They never saw Jessie. All they saw was who they thought Jessie was and who they thought

Jessie should be. Grace saw Jessie. She saw her the very first time she walked through her front

door. Even if Jessie never loved her back, she was grateful that she had met her. Grateful that

she was touched by such pure beauty, and honesty and truth, no matter how flawed its delivery.

Jessie was not perfect, but Grace loved her anyway, maybe even because of it.

There were a few times between Grace and Jessie that could be described as bonding. Grace

was on top of the world any time she knew Jessie was relaxed and comfortable around her.

After all, it didn't happen very often. Jessie would never admit it, not that anyone would ask her

to, but she was thankful for those moments with Grace. It was one of the few times that she felt

hopeful and didn't think about eating or not eating.

Those moments were always short lived, usually interrupted by the telephone, a classmate at

school, or a family member barging into the room. But Jessie could see the tenderness in

Grace's eyes when she spoke to her sometimes. Sometimes Jessie felt safe when she was with

Grace, and she never felt safe.

_Soliloquy: /Sitting on the floor with her arms around her knees, Jessie speaks softly, _

_looking down at her hands, "Why can't she just be nice like that to me all the time?" _

_Jessie looks up, "Why does she have to make such a point of not liking me? Sometimes I _

_think that she doesn't hate me, but then she does something mean and I remember where _

_I stand." Jessie frowns./ _

Grace wanted Jessie. It was that simple. Jessie pervaded every thought, every decision and

every action Grace took and Jessie had no idea. Though Grace thought something was definitely

up whenever the family would ask each of the kids about potential boyfriends, or girlfriends in

Eli's case, and Zoe and Jessie would look at each other and giggle. Grace had no idea what was

so funny and she was jealous that her ten year old sister was closer to Jessie than she was.

Grace managed to evade her mother's scrutiny by shifting the subject to Eli. He loved to talk

about girls and Grace wasn't about to talk about girls with her family. Grace kept two secrets

from them; liking girls and loving Jessie and she tried hard to protect them, for everyone's sake.


	2. Time Away Is Always a Good Thing

Part Two

After Christmas break Grace became friends with an outrageous rebel from school named

Carla. They became inseparable. Carla was a transfer student from Minnesota or something like

that. The rumor was that Carla had been in rehab but Grace was too chicken to ask her if it was

true. It wouldn't have mattered anyway. It wasn't so much that Grace had a crush on Carla it

was more like Grace used Carla to distract her from Jessie. Carla dropped in uninvited into

Grace's life just as Jessie had.

"Hey is this seat taken?" Carla asked as she approached the lunch table where Grace sat

waiting for her friends.

Grace was speechless when Carla said thanks and sat down before she even answered. Grace

had never seen this girl before and was taken aback at her audacity. Grace was about to give

Carla the boot so her friends could sit at the table but Carla beat her to it again.

"So, my name is Carla. What's yours?"

"Ah, Grace."

"You had to think about that one?" Carla laughed.

"No. You just kinda surprised me that's all. Why are you here?" Grace asked with attitude.

"Me," Carla smiled, "I'm new here. Just moved with my dad and step-mom."

"No, I meant why did you want to sit here, with me, I mean?" Grace said frustrated that this girl

cause her to lose her articulation skills.

Carla looked at her quizzically as she put a spoonful of macaroni and cheese into her mouth.

"You seemed like you wouldn't say no. You look nice." she shrugged.

Now it was Grace's turn to laugh. She thought of Jessie. "You're about the only person to ever

tell me that I _look_ nice. I usually have to defend myself for my general existence." Grace started

to relax. This girl seemed okay.

"Well not with me Grace." Carla winked.

Grace's friends sat down at the table bewildered as to who this wild looking girl was. Grace

solved the mystery for them, "Everybody, this is Carla. Carla this is Sarah, Melissa and Liz."

"Nice to meet you," Carla said.

Carla was truly unbelievable and she earned every bit of gossip about her. Carla was the center

of attention wherever she went. Her ADD kept Grace on her toes, never knowing whether

Carla was going to buy something or steal it, scream at someone or compliment them or be

strong or vulnerable. She was pretty, but in an unusual way. Her shoulder length brown hair was

unruly most of the time. She wore t-shirts that were a size too small and low-top red Converse

with holes in them. Her and Grace were polar opposites but they understood each other

somehow, cared about each other. Carla lived in the richest part of town. Grace always thought

her house was really nice, but it was nothing like Carla's. Her house was more like a mansion,

with a two acre backyard and pristinely manicured lawns and garden. Carla and her family did

not seem to fit together. Grace only went to Carla's house once in the entire time she knew her.

Carla said her dad was never around and her step-mom hated her. They seemed alright to

Grace, but she knew that nothing was ever what it seemed.

"Mom, I need you to sign my permission slip for the ski trip. It's due today, and the deposit,"

Grace said as she raced through the kitchen with her backpack. Carla was going to pick her up

any minute.

"That's today," Lily responded half shocked, half dreading writing the check. "How much is the

deposit again?"

"Three hundred dollars Mom. I've told you like ten times already."

"No need to be nasty about it Grace. I've had a lot on my mind."

/_Like how we're going to afford to eat for the next week, Lily says with a worried sigh."_

"Sorry," Grace said in a low voice. She knew that things with her parents divorce caused some

financial problems. She remembered the missed mortgage payments and how her parents fought

about it. Jake and Lily tried to shield her and Zoe as much as possible but Grace was fifteen.

She knew exactly what was going on.

"Here you go," said Lily handing Grace the check. I hope it doesn't bounce, Lily thought.

"Thanks Mom. I really appreciate it."

"So is Jessie going on this ski trip?" Lily asked as she placed the checkbook back in her purse.

Grace's stomach turned over. She hadn't really thought about it. Jessie was athletic and she

liked to ski but Grace didn't think Jessie would want to go to something like that, with all those

other kids. Not to mention that Karen was somewhat of a Nazi when it came to Jessie,

especially recently. Besides her and Carla were planning a great weekend skiing. Grace was

looking forward to concentrating on something other than Jessie. If Jessie didn't go she would

be fine without Grace for a few days. If Jessie went then Grace could look after her, from a

distance, like she always did.

"I don't know if she's going Mom. Ask Rick if you want to know about Jessie." Grace

answered annoyed.

A car outside honked. "That's Carla. Gotta go," she said as she rushed out the front door.

Two weeks later the weekend ski trip finally arrived. Jessie wasn't going and Grace was

relieved. As usual Karen and Rick were at odds over the ski trip for Jessie. Rick was for it and

Karen was against it.

_/"Par for the course" says Grace face front to the camera. "Jessie is their personal _

_pinball machine."/_

Karen didn't think Jessie's eating was improving and after Jessie almost passed out a second

time, this time during gym glass, she was in a panic. Rick and Karen didn't trust Jessie enough to

feed herself properly for four days. Frankly, neither did Grace. But Grace wondered how Jessie

would ever get better if she couldn't learn to help herself.

Grace took the window seat next to Carla in the rear of the bus. She was excited about the ski

trip but she missed Jessie already. Rick, Jessie and Eli were supposed to come over for dinner

on Saturday and Grace was going to miss it. Zoe would be excited to have Jessie all to herself.

Grace shook her head and decided to not think about Jessie for the rest of the trip.

_/Grace is sitting down on the stool with the camera only on her face. "Well, that's easier _

_said than done. All this obsessing about Jessie, and it is obsessing," she says with _

_conviction, "is unhealthy. I mean Jessie is never going to like me. I am a bitch to her half _

_the time and a pathetic Jessie groupie the other half." Grace pauses and looks seriously _

_into the camera. "I just want her to be happy. I just wish she could be happy with me." _

_Grace huffs in frustration at herself, "God, who am I kidding. Jessie isn't even gay."/_

Grace turns to face Carla who is uncharacteristically silent reading a magazine waiting to depart.

Carla looks up and Grace gives her a goofy smile.

_/Grace smiles and blushes into the camera, "I think it's safe to say that **I** have a serious _

_girl thing going on," Grace laughs./ _

Grace and Carla were discussing how many runs they hoped to make each morning. Eight

seemed like a realistic number. They were making dinner plans when Grace saw Rick's 1986

Toyota Land Cruiser pull up along side the bus and stop in front of it. Eli was two rows in front

of them with Coop. Did Eli forget something Grace wondered? Then she saw a blonde ponytail

swing around as the passenger door opened and she had her answer. She watched Jessie walk

around and pull her skis and overnight bag out of the SUV.

Grace didn't realize that she stopped talking in mid-sentence when she saw Rick's SUV pull up.

Carla was not in the dark about Grace's feelings towards Jessie. Carla wasn't gay, but she

wasn't an idiot either. You'd have to be pretty blind to love not to see how Grace felt about

Jessie. Carla wished she could feel that strongly about Eli. She cared about him, but she wasn't

in-love with him, certainly not like he was with her.

Carla thought that watching Grace with Jessie was like watching a first grade boy who liked a

first grade girl. He'd throw mud at her and break her crayons, but he'd be the first to clean her

up and get her new crayons. All of his attention, positive and negative, was on her. Grace did

the same thing.

Carla couldn't understand how no one else saw it, though she thought Zoe had a clue. Carla

thought Zoe was smart and underestimated, like her. Carla figured Eli would have caught on by

now. Then again Carla had Eli turned so upside down that he didn't know what was going on.

She was looking forward to some alone time with Eli this weekend away from parental

interruptions.

Carla pretended not to notice Grace's devotion to all things Jessie, which was like trying to

ignore the two hundred pound elephant in the room. But Carla managed because she cared

about Grace. She knew that Grace and Jessie would be in sync somewhere down the road. She

had seen Jessie's stare linger on Grace a little too long on a few occasions. She hoped Jessie

would come around soon. She wanted to bring it up but she figured when Grace was ready to

tell her she would.

"You were saying about dinner," Carla interrupted Grace's thoughts.

"Um, did you know Jessie was coming?" Grace asked oblivious to Carla's question. Carla

shook her head no. "Yeah, me neither." Grace sat silently thinking for a moment. "I hope they'll

be vegetarian stuff for her to eat at the lodge. I'll get her something from town if there's not,"

Grace said nodding her head not realizing that she was thinking out loud. She's got it bad Carla

thought.

"You want to go into town," Carla asked with a smile.

"Town? Why would we go into town?" Grace asked surprised.

"I'm not sure. You just said you were going into town."

"Oh." Grace blushed. "I guess, yeah, we can go into town if it looks cool. Maybe they'll be

good restaurants or shops or something," she tried to cover.

"Yeah, maybe," Carla said with her head back in her magazine, giving Grace some privacy as

she watched Jessie board the bus and sit next to her friends, Marni and Megan.


End file.
